Grief is a long and complicated journey. We never know how it will sort itself out, when it will rear its head, or when it will subside.
After my mom passed away in June, I didn’t really grieve. I couldn’t. A lot of other things happened that just didn’t allow for it. I had to put it away. When I would see a picture of my mom, I would say, “Hi Mom, sorry I can’t think about you today. I will, soon. I promise”. It was the only way to carry on without falling apart.
I knew if I thought about her, I’d cry. And I might never stop. I needed time alone, time to process, time that didn’t cause anyone else distress. Perhaps not everyone processes things in this way, but I do. I needed to give Helen space and time; she deserved that.
I so desperately wished she could have been here with me in reality, not just in my memories. I had plans for bringing her here, but an unexpected and sudden turn in her health changed everything. Abruptly. It’s such a shame, I know she would have loved it.
My mother, to me, was amazing. One of the great gifts of living far from home is going back. As an adult, for over 20 years, I stayed with my parents when I went home. Not just for a visit but literally lived with them. Having breakfast, lunch and dinner together, day after day. It was a privilege. Spending time in the same space as your parents as an adult can be challenging. But the time it gave me with my mom was priceless. When you are together 24 hours at a time, there is time for chatting, hanging out, napping, just being. Being together. I am and will be forever grateful for having had that experience. I hold it close to my heart.
In the end, I wasn’t able to be with her in her death. I always thought I would be, but it was sudden and COVID made things more complicated. Being with someone in the final part of life’s journey is a profound honour. I wish I could have been there with you.
I found a few beautiful places to put some of her ashes to have her in Provence. Now I can visit with her when I go on long cycles to these spots. She is surrounding me here, and while it’s not perfect, it gives me comfort and a bit of happiness. She deserved every beautiful thing this world had to offer.
I will love you and carry you in my heart until my last breath, Helen. You were magnificent.
