It doesn’t matter how much time I spend in Provence—two days or two more weeks more—wouldn’t make my heart break less. It just postpones the inevitable depression and literal aching heart that happens every time I leave.
For me, saying goodbye to Provence is appallingly difficult no matter how many times I’ve done it. I think to myself, perhaps this time it won’t be so bad. But then it is. My heart starts to feel heavy when I know the time is dwindling. As I start counting down the days, it feels like I am walking the plank. Only 10 more days, only five more, and it passes with such furious speed, it’s shocking. Even when the weather is less than ideal—which it was—the time goes too fast.
This last week was a mix of all kinds of weather including some extreme rain and cool mixed with some blue sky and sunshine. It’s was so unusual, everyone agreed it was decidedly bizarre for this time of year. But I found pockets of loveliness throughout, and regardless of the sky being blue or grey, this place never stopped being beautiful.
On my last bike ride, I tried to take in the scenes, finding it so strange how one day you are surrounded by this beauty constantly, and then just as quickly, it’s gone. All the charming villages, the mountains, the views, the nature, just like that, gone. And no matter how hard you try to hang on to it, how many photos you look at, nothing, not one thing is the same as being in it.
When I was talking to my friend after my mom passed away, I said I wished I saw her just one more time. She told me it wouldn’t matter. It wouldn’t matter because just like leaving Provence, it’s never enough. You always want one more chat, one more day. Just one more. When you love something with all your heart, it always leaves you wanting more. While you can appreciate it all in the moments and be grateful for the time you’ve had, you will always, inevitably, want more. It’s the human condition for which there is no antidote. Our memories are the only thing we can always carry with us. While they are nothing compared to the real thing, thank goodness we do have those at the very least.
This life is a dichotomy. Beautiful and ugly, loving and cold, heartbreaking and joyful. I am so grateful for knowing such beauty and love, for having every opportunity I have had to be here, no matter the cost.
