For as long as I can remember, I’ve always loved the company of women. Perhaps it’s because I grew up in a family with five women, and being the youngest, I always felt safe and loved. My poor dad was surrounded by nothing but women, and I often felt bad for him, but he also didn’t make a huge effort to get to know us. When it was just my mom and my sisters at home, I always felt comfort and a lot of joy.
I feel terrible for women who don’t have women friends. In my experience, it can be because they see other women as competition or feel threatened. It’s such a shame because the women in my life have been my support, my joy, my sounding boards, my lifeline, my breath. I can’t imagine how I’d still be standing without them. They are one of the greatest gifts of my life, and I feel so bloody lucky.
But in the last four months, things have been upended. One of my closest friends found out she has breast cancer, which went from standard to advanced in a two-month window. Last week, my other closest friend told me she also has breast cancer and is having both breasts removed this week.
This news has left me gutted. I feel lost, hopeless, and helpless. These are extremely intelligent, tough women who happen to be of Eastern Bloc heritage, like me. But unlike the two of them, who are handling this news with courage and grace, I am a tittering mess. As my one friend said, I must not be as Eastern Bloc as them. I am apparently a Polish marshmallow. I didn’t get the tough gene they got. I am in awe of their practicality and strength.
I haven’t wrapped my head around the idea of losing the women in my life. I can’t imagine it without any one of them, but I suppose I don’t have a choice. As the years pass, it’s inevitable. When I lost my mother, it took a lot of grieving to get to the other side, I struggle to believe I would manage it better now. I can’t seem to find the positive in any of it and just don’t know what to do. Life makes little sense to me at the moment. Even Provence, which is a powerfully healing place for me, isn’t enough to make it all better.
